What is Vanilla Sex? And what's so bad about it?
Sex is great. That’s a statement that most people can support wholeheartedly. But if that’s true, why are so many couples having little or no sex? And why aren’t they enjoying the sex they do have?
If you are to believe what the popular websites say, the problem is Vanilla Sex.
What is Vanilla Sex?
The Urban Dictionary defines Vanilla Sex as: “Sex that involves no twists or kinkiness, and no S&M. Basically plain regular ses. Typically, sweet and happy and very lovey-dovey.”
In other words, regular sex. Without the kinks or handcuffs.
What is Vanilla Shaming?
Vanilla Shaming is when you make someone feel embarrassed or inferior for enjoying plain old vanilla sex. And that’s how millions of couples feel. They feel Vanilla Shamed.
They feel Vanilla Shamed because 1,000’s of websites and supermarket magazines, are telling them that the reason they aren’t having sex or enjoying sex, is because they’re doing it wrong. They’re having Vanilla Sex instead of spicy sex.
These publications tell you that the path to more sex or better sex is to SPICE IT UP! Everywhere you look, the advice is the same, if you’re not happy with your sex life, change the way you’re having sex.
“Overnight sex fix”
“Quick fix for boring sex”
“Make your bedroom hot”
“Let your inner kink out”
According to everyone from Cosmopolitan to Psychology Today, if you’re not happy with your sex life, it’s your own fault for having boring Vanilla Sex. For being Vanilla Sexual. And their solution is for you to change Vanilla Sex into Spicy Sex. All you need to do is to let yourself go wild and everything will immediately get better.
The myth of spicy sex
While this sounds great, it almost never works. For couples who are having sex problems, this strategy won’t yield long-term benefits. Very soon, the couple will find themselves right back where they started, wondering why they don’t seem to be having much (or any) sex and why they are having so little fun in the bedroom.
And the reason it won’t help is because the problem isn’t the vanilla sex; it’s the level of emotional intimacy in their relationship.
When couples stop having sex or stop enjoying sex it’s almost never about the quality of the sex. It’s not about being Vanilla Sex. It’s about the quality of the emotional intimacy in their relationship. The loss of sex reflects a loss of the deep intimate connection between the two partners. And that loss of connection shows up in their sex life.
This is a really important point: You don’t stop having sex and then feel disconnected as a couple. You start feeling disconnected, and then you stop having sex.
Stop Vanilla Shaming your partner, and yourself.
The solution isn’t to wear masks, use handcuffs, or pretend to pick each other up at a bar. In fact, for couples who are having trouble connecting sexually, forcing them to bring new toys, new fantasies, or new people into the bedroom will only make things worse. These tactics will feel completely unnatural, create a huge amount of stress, and result in the partners feeling even more distant from each other.
It doesn’t matter how hot and spicy you make the sexual fantasy, if the couple doesn’t feel a safe and intimate emotional connection, the sex will quickly fall flat or stop altogether. And they will be left feeling even more defeated and hopeless than when they started.
It’s ok to be Vanilla
Working together to build greater trust and intimacy can quickly bring benefits both in the bedroom and in every other part of the couple’s life together.
Couples are attracted to these quick sex fixes because they sound so much easier than working on the deeper issues (trust, intimacy, and expressing love) that create barriers between them. It’s so much easier to blame being Vanilla Sexual. But the lack of emotional connection can make any sex boring. Because no matter how hot it is, it’s not really satisfying your emotional needs or strengthing your emotional connection.
For most couples, these Spice it Up tips and tricks are just a way of protecting themselves from the risk of being open, honest, and vulnerable with their partner. It seems as if wearing a mask or playing a role will be easier than opening up and talking about your vulnerable feelings. Talking not just about sex, but about the things that are, and aren’t, working in the relationship as a whole.
Slowing it down rather than heating it up
Rather than trying to heat it up, I suggest to my couples that they slow it down. Take their time. Notice what it’s like to be together. Pay attention to what it feels like to be intimate with your partner.
That doesn’t have to be while you’re having sex. It could be while you’re just sitting together watching TV or talking. Pay attention to the feelings that come up – both the positive feelings (e.g., love, caring, friendship, trust) as well as the less positive feelings (e.g. fear, anger, or distrust). And then learn to talk about the feelings that are holding you back from greater joy and intimacy.
Talking about your relationship can be difficult and talking about sex can be even harder. But, while the masks and fantasies provide a safe place to hide, they also get in the way of really experiencing what it feels like to be close, loving, and intimate with your partner.
About Me
I’m a Couples Therapist in San Francisco. I focus on helping couples feel closer, more connected, and more loving. To learn more about my practice, please visit my website.
I hope you enjoyed this article. Please leave me a comment. Here are a few articles you might find useful on this topic.
The shame of not getting an erection
What causes a sexless marriage