What are men’s issues?

 What does it mean to be a man?  How does a man feel?  How does a man behave?  These are not easy questions.  They have never been easy questions. The answers have become much more complex and nuanced in the world we live in.  It’s not easy to figure all this out. It’s not easy to “be a man”.

Why is this important?

It’s important because many men are suffering. They are feeling alone, unhappy, and unseen. This has led to men having higher rates of:

  • Suicide

  • Loneliness

  • Depression

  • Anxiety

  • Feeling overwhelmed

  • Anger

  • Drug use and addiction

We are all under a lot of stress, men and women. We are all working on our relationships, taking care of our families, building our careers, managing too much in too little time, and dealing with financial stress. However, our society has different expectations for how men deal with these stressors. The message that men get is very clear: "Just handle it,” “stop complaining,” or simply “man up.” These attitudes that we were raised with, and that continue today, make it very difficult for men to look at their lives, pay attention to how they feel, and seek help when needed.

What kinds of issues bring men to therapy?

There are an infinite number of reasons why a man might decide to go to therapy.  Here are a few of the reasons I hear most often.

  • They have all the trappings of happiness  (work, family, health), yet they still feel as if something important is missing.

  • They feel isolated or lonely.  They have difficulty creating and maintaining close, meaningful friendships or relationships.

  • They have trouble feeling comfortable in the role of husband or father. 

  • Their partner complains that they are not emotionally “available” or that the relationship lacks emotional intimacy.

  • They act out sexually, sleeping with the wrong people, infidelity, or too much porn.

  • They’ve had traumatic experiences that continue to impact their lives and relationships today.  These traumas often include physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse, grief, and loss.

  • They want to feel closer and more connected to the people in their life.

Why do some men resist coming to therapy?

Men often feel caught. On the one hand, their romantic partners may have told them that they need to be more open and available. At the same time, all their life, they’ve been told that this kind of openness isn’t appropriate. Some of these messages may include:

  • I should be able to handle this myself.

  • My life is great. I should just be grateful and stop complaining.

  • Don’t be a whiner. Buck-up buttercup.

  • What good is talking going to do?  I just need to keep pushing forward.

  • I’ve tried being more open in the past, and I always regret it.

  • The things that are bothering me are too difficult to share with anyone.

What happens in therapy for men?

Therapy is an opportunity to let go and unburden yourself. It’s a chance to share all the thoughts and feelings that you keep trapped inside. It’s a way to find your feelings, understand your feelings, and work through the traumas that continue to impact your life.

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FAQ’s

  • Therapy gives a man the opportunity to let go and unburden himself.

    It’s a chance to focus on what you are feeling without the pressure you may feel from the needs and expectations of others. You get to share all the thoughts and feelings that you keep trapped inside. It’s a way to understand your feelings, and work through the traumas that continue to impact your life.

  • Absolutely. I am legally and ethically bound to keep everything we discuss confidential.

    There are a few narrow exceptions where I would have to intervene to protect someone from harm. This includes child abuse, elder abuse, planning to seriously injure or kill yourself or another person.

  • We can definitely talk about sex. They way your sex life is working for you and the ways in which it is causing problems or unhappiness. This might include sex problems like Erectile Dysfunction, Porn, or infidelity.

    We'll also talk about whether you feel you're able to form a deep and intimate connection with the people you love.