The Quality Time Love Language: 3 Steps to creating a special time together.

I don’t know of any book that has had a bigger impact on couples than The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Dr. Gary Chapman. For those of you unfamiliar with the book, Dr. Chapman describes how we each have a preferred way to receive love. The way in which we can most easily, and naturally, feel deeply touched by our partner’s love and affection.  Those 5 Love Languages are:

• Words of affirmation

• Quality time

• Acts of service

• Physical touch

• Receiving gifts

In today’s blog post, I’m going to talk about the challenges of expressing love using the Quality Time Love Language.

Quality Time sounds so easy – but it’s not

Finding “quality time” is an ongoing struggle for many, if not most, couples.  The demands of career, family, kids, housekeeping, social life, and more can easily drain away a couple’s special time together.  Most couples can catch up by spending time together on a quiet Sunday, dinner and a movie, going out for coffee, or giving the kids some extra screen time so mom and dad can have a special afternoon nap.

But things are VERY DIFFERENT for couples when one partner has the Quality Time Love Language as their dominant way of receiving love.  For the Quality Time partner, dedicated Quality Time is as essential as the air they breathe, and the health of the relationship depends on it. 

It sounds simple enough, but for some couples, getting the non-Quality Time partner to truly understand how important this special time is for their partner can be a huge challenge.  The long-term happiness of the relationship depends on the non-Quality Time partner being able to understand the intensity of the other’s longing for that special time together.

Barriers and solutions for achieving a meaningful Quality Time

In my experience, there are three primary obstacles that couples face in communicating in the Quality Time Love Language. 

Obstacle #1: Defining Quality Time

Your personal definition of Quality Time is a reflection of who you are and what you long for in a relationship. What’s hard for the non-Quality Time partner to understand, is that just spending time together doesn’t automatically qualify as Quality Time. 

If most nights you spend some time sitting together watching TV after dinner, then you can’t suddenly define that as your Quality Time.  The Quality Time Love Language is something that is expressly undertaken for the Quality Time partner’s benefit.  It is like a gift you are giving your partner.

So, when he or she says “but we already spend lots of time together” the Quality Time partner just looks sad and shakes their head.  Because this shows that the person they love most in the world still does not understand who they are and what they need.

Solution: Ask your partner “What does quality time really mean for you?”, and then listen carefully.  It’s not about planning the right activity; it’s about understanding what your partner needs from you.  If you can understand what he/she needs, and accept that they have this need, you will find many easy ways to provide your partner with what they need.

Obstacle #2: Maintaining Quality Time

“Why do I always have to remind you to do Quality Time?” is a frequent refrain from the Quality Time Partner.  He or she doesn’t want to be the one who has to remind their partner to spend time together.  Because each time they say “remember we’re doing quality time tonight” it just re-injures their wound, makes them feel unimportant, and like their partner doesn’t understand, or worse doesn’t care, about what they need.

When one partner consistently forgets about doing Quality Time, or needs to be reminded each time, the next step is to work to understand what blocks the Non-Quality Time partner from accepting this responsibility.  What makes it feel more like a burden than a wonderful opportunity to feel closer and more connected to the one they love.

Solution: For the Quality Time Love Language Partner to feel reassured and supported, the non-Quality Time Partner must accept the responsibility of being in charge of Quality Time.  They must learn that keeping up with Quality Time is their job not the job of the Quality Time partner.  By creating and protecting Quality Time for the couple they are saying “You are important to me”.

#3.  Keeping the focus on the other

Regardless of how the couple spends their Quality Time, the most important factor is that the attention needs to be focused on the Quality Time Love Language Partner.  They are parched for this attention.  It is a thirst that can’t really be satisfied. It is not a temporary deficit, it is a core part of who they are as a person.  They need to have some part of the day in which their partner just focuses on them.  This is something that both partners must come to accept, otherwise, the couple will continue to fight around this issue.

That acceptance can be hard to find, especially when the non-Quality Time partner was raised in an emotionally cold or volatile family.  They learned that they couldn’t trust being emotionally available and vulnerable, so it is hard for them to fully invest in satisfying their partner’s emotional thirst.  It may take a lot of work for the partner to come to trust that if they open themselves to their partner, the love and connection will be returned.

Solution: Less is more.  Quality Time isn’t activities or a big production, it’s a time of deep connection.  Set aside a short amount of time (daily if possible) for Quality Time.  It doesn’t have to be a lot of time, 10 minutes may be enough. But, make the focus of that 10 minutes to just give your partner attention.  It might be just sitting on the couch hugging and looking into each other’s eyes.  It might be listening to what happened during their day, or stroking their head and reassuring them that everything will be OK.  Ask your partner what they need and listen carefully to the answer.

The challenge of feeling loved

Learning your partner’s Love Language isn’t an end in itself.  It is just part of the process of learning to feel, and believe, that your partner really loves you.  To feel that sense of love and attachment deeply in your heart and trust that it is real and durable. Because when you believe that you are loved, you can understand your partner, no matter what language they are speaking.

I want to stress, that what I’m describing here are my observations as a Couples Therapist.  I’m not trying to analyze or critique Dr. Chapman’s book.  Rather, I’m trying to describe the ways that I’ve seen couples work hard to find a path to give and receive love in a manner they find meaningful, authentic, and satisfying.

Leave a comment, I’d love to hear what you think.