Why do couples fight when they get engaged?

Couples often come to me for couples therapy for what they like to call “Pre-marital counseling to discuss how they can develop better communication skills”.   But, in reality, it would be more accurate to call it “We’ve been fighting since we announced the engagement. Help us we’re freaked out!”. 

The happiest and most loving couple can be shocked when they suddently start fighting right after they get engaged. They expected this to be the happiest period of their relationship. Instead of pre-marital bliss, they can’t seem to stop fighting and begin to wonder, “Do I really want to marry this person?”.

It’s been my observation, both in my own marriage and as a couples counselor, that being engaged is one of the most stressful times for any relationship.  A sudden uptick in fighting is the norm rather than the exception.

What causes “engagement stress”?

The causes of the stress vary from couple to couple.  But, I think there are three primary drivers:

1.       Wedding Planning 

For even the most laid-back and compatible couple, planning the wedding is at best a challenge and at worst a complete nightmare.

• It’s a high visibility event and so much can go wrong

• Family members may insist on having input

• Everyone you meet has an opinion on your wedding

• It’s a lot of money – and the partners may disagree on what is an “appropriate” cost

• One partner may feel the other partner isn’t doing their fair share

• The partners may have different visions for a “perfect wedding”

• There are a huge number of details to manage

Suggestions

• Work both collaboratively and individually.  Make a list of the decisions that you feel it’s important that you decide on together (e.g., venue, menu, music) and which decisions you feel comfortable making individually (e.g., one person works on the decorations while the other choosing the photographer).

• Set boundaries early and often.  Decide as a couple what level of input from friends and family you’re comfortable with.  Then let people know how open you are to suggestions.  It’s much easier to do this from the beginning than have to tell your mother-in-law that you don’t want her help picking your dress.

• Pick your battles.  Decide what part of the wedding has to be absolutely perfect and deserves all your attention, and what aspects you’re comfortable winging it. 

2.       Everyone keeps telling you how happy you should be

While you’re trying to manage your anxieties – everyone around you keeps telling you how happy you should be.  All they can see is the fun of showers bachelor/bachelorette parties, and the wedding itself.  Time has a way to smooth over the bumps in events, and they only remember the fun of their own engagement.  But they’ve conveniently forgotten the screaming fights they had over wedding planning and their own pre-marriage stress.

For some married friends, this “happy, happy, happy” attitude is a reflection of the stress they feel in their own marriage (or the pain the felt in divorce).  Their attitude is “enjoy it now, because its not going to be so much fun in a couple of years”.

And unfortunately, your single friends don’t have the frame of reference to understand the stress that your experiencing. 

Suggestions

• Admit that you’re feeling more stressed than happy.  That sounds so obvious and simple, but people are often reluctant to share their anxieties because they’re concerned their partner may question their love.

• Say your fears out loud. By sharing your own fears, you make it safe for your partner to share their fears.  In this process, you normalize your anxiety and you can bond over the difficulties you’re sharing as a couple. 

• Talk to a therapist.  You don’t need to go in every week, maybe once a month to talk through your feelings together.  This is a safe place for the two of you to share your anxieties and have the therapist reassure you that your feelings are normal.

3.       It’s a long march

According to Google, the average engagement lasts 12 – 18 months.  That’s a long time to spend thinking about one of the most important decisions of your life. 

Over the course of the engagement, every couple is sure to have a lot of disagreements.  Sometimes they’re minor tiffs, but sometimes they can be serious fights that leave one or both with very hurt feelings.  And when these relationship rifts occur, you can’t help but ask yourself “is this the right person for me?”, or “do I really love her” or “how can he hurt me like this if he truly loves me”.

On other occasions, it’s not really a fight, but your partner behaves in a way that you find surprising.  Perhaps they voice a political opinion or a social observation (e.g., some type of prejudice or bias) that you find surprising or distasteful.  Or they suddenly behave in a way that you find upsetting (e.g., get drunk, spend money frivolously, flirt at a party) and you can’t help but wonder “do I really know this person?”.

Also, over the course of the engagement, you’re bound to feel attracted to someone other than your partner.  There will be someone at work or at a party that suddenly seems more attractive, funnier, or understands you better than your partner.  And all of a sudden, the question “am I settling” starts to pop into your mind.

It’s difficult to maintain your commitment and excitement when you are regularly being faced with situations that make you question your decision.

Suggestions

• Practice acceptance.  Work on accepting your own, and your partner’s imperfections.  It is much easier to accept someone else’s character flaws and bad habits if you’re willing to admit to your own shortcomings.

• How important is it?  When a disagreement happens, ask yourself, how important is it that we are in-sync on this topic.  Is it equally important that we both love Thai food as it is that we both hold the same political views?

• Remember why you got engaged.  Take a moment and remember how it feels to be together when things are going well.  What attracted you to your partner, what do you like about them, and what you love about them. 

So, when you suddenly start asking yourself if getting married is really a good idea, that’s natural.  All the married people (and yes the divorced ones too) went through the same thing.  It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get married; it just means your normal.