How soon is too soon to move in? 3 signs to know if you're ready.
Couples often come to therapy looking for an answer to what they think is a simple question - How soon is too soon to move in?
Usually, these couples often seem anxious and agitated. They feel like they have to figure out the answer and make a decision NOW. It’s like they’re being chased into cohabitation. They’ve taken the “should we move in together quiz” from a magazine and now they want a yes or no answer right away.
This is very different from couples who have been struggling with this question for a long time. In those cases, usually, one partner wants to, and the other seems to be always on the fence. Those couples don’t feel chased, they feel stuck.
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The three questions. Is it too soon to move in together?
For the couples that need that answer in a hurry, I’ve learned that the best way to answer the question of - how soon is too soon to move in - is to ask them three questions.
1. Why now?
2. What are you really asking?
3. What does your little voice say?
These three questions actually work for any time you’re feeling pressured to make a decision. Give them a try the next time it feels like you’re under the gun.
1. Why now?
The first thing I try to understand is what’s changed. Why are they thinking about moving in together now, and not last month or a month from now? If they’re wondering how soon is too soon, then what’s pushing them to make the move now? What’s happened?
Often, when a couple feels in a hurry to decide, they’re responding to some event that has suddenly accelerated their timeline. This can be pressure from their partner, family, economic pressure, a change in job, or some other life change. The list of factors is endless, but here are a few common examples.
Living space: One partner’s lease is up, and they must decide whether to sign-up for another year.
Ultimatum: One partner has said something like, “We move in together or I’m breaking up with you”
Health: One partner has a health issue and requires more help in daily living
Fertility: One, or both, partners are feeling time pressure to start a family
Economics: It’s too expensive to maintain two residences, or one partner has lost their job, or both
And on, and on, and on
And, because of this pressure, they don’t feel like they’re working as a couple to make the decision. Instead, they feel like they’re being pushed, and their partner is either pushing or resisting. So instead of sitting down together as a couple and asking: Are we ready to move in together? Is it too soon to move in together? Do we really want to move in together? They are focused on should we move in together NOW? Yes, or no?
The first question I ask them is, does this event that is pushing your decision feel like a blessing; i.e., it’s helping you do what you’ve really been wanting to do? Or does this feel like you’re being pushed to do something you’re not ready for? Then I help them reframe the discussion from “is it too soon to move in together?” to “is this good for us as a couple?”
2. What are you really asking?
When the couple comes in, they ask: How soon is too soon to move in? But, in many cases, there’s really an unspoken request. One, or both, of the partners, has a hidden question. Their real question is: “Can you help me tell my partner that I’m not ready to move in together?”
The fact that they’re afraid to say this to their partner tells me something about the state of their relationship. It says that the relationship hasn’t learned how to have difficult conversations. This isn’t unusual, many couples have trouble navigating difficult topics. There can be many reasons for this.
The relationship is new, and they haven’t had to confront a difficult topic before
One or both partners has difficulty sticking to their feelings and standing up in the face of their partner’s disagreement or hurt feelings
When they’ve tried to talk about difficult topics in the past, it has resulted in fights, escalation, hurt feelings, and/or emotional distance (e.g., they stop talking to each other)
One, or both, partners is afraid that the relationship can’t survive this question
It’s hard to see, but the situation is really an important opportunity for them as a couple. It is giving them a chance to work through a difficult situation together. This is a chance to strengthen the relationship by viewing it as an issue to be solved by the couple, as opposed to a conflict between the partners. This is a question that can’t be answered alone, it can only be answered by the two of them together.
3. What does your little voice say?
Each of us has within us a voice. An intuitive sense of what is right for us. Unfortunately, sometimes the voice is hard to hear. It can be hard to hear because:
Your voice is very soft
It keeps getting drowned out by the voice of your partner
It gets drowned out by the voice of what you think you’re SUPPOSED TO DO
It’s not giving you the easy answer or the answer you want to hear
Following the voice’s advice will be painful or sad
But when your little voice is unclear, the answer is to slow down and listen harder.
When should you move in together?
The right time to move in together is when it feels like the right next step.
It’s OK, to have some fear and trepidation. It’s OK to not be 100% sure. When are we ever 100% sure? And, it’s OK to talk with your partner about those fears. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing your fears with your partner, then it may not be time to move in. Sharing fears, being vulnerable, and trusting that your partner has your best interests at heart, are the hallmark of a healthy and committed relationship.
If you’re afraid that your partner will strike out at you for expressing your questions, or that they will crumble if you show any doubt; it may be time to slow things down.
Soon is too soon to move in
In general, couples that rush moving in together often have other reasons for making the move so soon.
Anxiety
In many cases, one, or both partners fears that their partner might leave them. And they view moving in as a way to prevent the relationship from falling apart. These individuals often have a relationship history filled with wreckage.
Jealousy
They are afraid that if they don’t “capture” their partner, someone else will come along and tempt them away. This is an expression of their belief that they aren’t really enough.
Insecurity
They want to use their partner as a way to show the world that they must be valuable and desirable.
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Slowing the relationship down. It’s harder than it looks.
Couples in this situation think they’re asking for help to move things along faster. But, more often than not, they’re really looking for help to take it slow. Because it turns out that most of us are a lot more comfortable going fast than going slow.
They really want help finding a way to say to each other “I love you; I want to be with you, AND I’m not sure I’m ready to take this step”. But there’s a fear that expressing this will kill the relationship. But in my experience, going too fast is much more likely to cause problems than going too slowly.
How do we decide as a couple?
Remember, the trick to difficult conversations is to not make them adversarial. This is not a negotiation between what I want vs. what you want. Instead, try seeing it as an opportunity to work together on what’s best for your relationship.
I hope you enjoyed this article and found it helpful. Please leave a comment.
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About Me
I’m a Couples Therapist in San Francisco. I focus on helping couples feel closer, more connected, and more loving. To learn more about my practice, please visit my website.
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