When the intimacy stops in a relationship.
When the sex stops in your relationship, or you start having sex much less frequently, people usually think that it means there’s been a change in desire. They try to explain the change in their sexual relationship with cliches like “The thrill is gone”, “Sex has gotten dull”, or “We’re not kids anymore”. Or they blame their partner - my boyfriend doesn't seem interested in me sexually anymore - My wife loves me but doesn’t desire me. But what does it really mean when sex starts to fade away? When the physical and emotional intimacy stops in a relationship. Why do couples really stop having sex?
For many couples, talking about sex is extremely difficult. And this change in their sex life is so alarming and upsetting, that anytime they try to talk about it, it only leads to a fight. It’s not that they want to fight about it. It’s just that they don’t know how to talk about the fact that the intimacy has stopped in their relationship. So, instead of talking about what’s happening in their relationship, and how they feel about what’s happening, they go straight to trying to “fix it.”. And when the quick fix doesn’t work, they blame each other
Spice it up? Why date nights don’t work.
“Spice it up” is the advice that screams at us from talk shows, supermarket magazines, and websites. The message is very clear - if your sex life is in the dumps, all you need to do is “reignite the flame” with date nights, role-playing, toys, or maybe even an open marriage. They make it all sound so simple, clear, and easy.
But, in my experience, a decline in sexual activity is rarely about a decline in desire or about boredom in the bedroom. And fantasies and role-playing are rarely the cure.
Fantasies are great for couples who have a happy and healthy sex life, and just want to expand it. They want to add new things to the sex life they already have. But if you feel sexually disconnected from your spouse, those solutions can actually make you feel even more discouraged, unhappy, and alone. If you don’t feel close and intimately connected when you’re having regular sex, how on earth are you going to feel comfortable having kinky sex?
I believe that the most common reason that sex starts to slip away is not a loss of desire, but a loss of emotional intimacy.
Emotional intimacy fuels sexual desire
In the beginning of a relationship, when you’re just hooking up or dating, sex is primarily fueled by desire. You don’t need a deep emotional connection to feel sexual and enjoy sex. But that changes in a long-term relationship. In a long-term relationship, sexual desire is powered by the couple’s emotional connection rather than by their hormones.
In an established relationship, sex becomes a form of communication. It is one of many ways in which each partner both expresses and experiences the couple’s emotional connection. If, for whatever reason, a couple begins to feel less emotionally connected, this intimate form of communication begins to wane, and over time their sense of sexual desire will start to fade.
“ In a long-term relationship, sex can’t thrive without emotional intimacy. More intimacy leads to sex, but sex doesn’t lead to more intimacy.”
When sexual activity disappears, the couple usually ask each other, “Why aren’t we having sex?” or “Why don’t you desire me anymore?”. But those are the wrong questions. The real question is, “Why are we feeling less emotionally connected?”.
When the sex stops in your relationship, your immediate impulse is to try to fix it. To get things back on track. It’s easy to understand why people gravitate toward quick fixes, like role-playing and fantasies. That’s because trying to understand, and talk about, the loss of emotional intimacy feels so confusing, vulnerable, and risky. That’s why there are a thousand articles on how to increase the frequency of sex, but not very many on how to be more emotionally intimate.
When the sex stops in your relationship. 5 common reasons.
Many things can impact a couple’s sense of emotional intimacy. It’s different for each couple. But, here are five issues that I often see in my Couples Therapy practice.
1. Shame. For many people, a deep sense of shame gets in the way of talking about sex. The topic feels so incredibly uncomfortable, that it can be easier to just roll over and go to sleep, and give up on sex than to have an open, loving, and intimate discussion. The shame is experienced as a fear that “I’m not enough”. This fear that they’re not enough can increase as you age. As people age, and their bodies change, this sense of shame can increase. They worry that they are no longer desirable, or that their partner is disappointed by the physical limitations of their aging body.
2. Resentments. Every couple, no matter how compatible, has some issues or areas of conflict. If they haven’t been able to openly discuss these issues, the pain is never resolved and can create long-term resentments. It can be from a painful interaction last week or 50 years ago, but if the issue remains unresolved, then the pain still feels fresh, real, and alive. The couple may still get along great, enjoy being married, and function well together, but that deep intimate connection will start to show cracks.
3. Loss of Trust. Trust is a vital precursor of intimacy. If a partner loses the sense that they trust their partner, they will not feel emotionally or physically safe, and this will create a barrier to intimacy. The loss of trust may come from a major event (e.g., infidelity) or may build slowly because of a series of small issues in which an individual feels that their partner “doesn’t have their back”.
4. Feeling unheard or unseen. To feel truly connected you must feel that your partner sees you and understands who you are. You need to feel that you don’t have to put on a false front with the person you love and that they want to really hear what you have to say and to know what you are feeling inside. How can you give yourself fully to your partner, if you don’t think they see you as you are?
5. Unresolved Grief. As you age, you experience many types of grief. The deaths of friends and family, dreams are shattered (e.g., the dream of a happy marriage), illness or injury, financial distress, loss of employment, friends drift away. As we grieve, we often turn inward and pull away from the people around us. That’s a natural part of the grieving process. Generally, people are able to work through their losses and re-engage with the people in their life. But sometimes the deep sadness of grief remains trapped inside and creates a barrier between you and the world. Until that loss can be fully expressed and processed, it may feel impossible to regain that sense of connection with your partner.
How to talk to your partner about lack of intimacy
In my experience, the best way to rekindle a couple’s sexual connection is to work on rebuilding their emotional connection. Once the barriers to intimacy have been diminished, the couple feels more emotionally connected, and they are naturally drawn closer to each other. This increased intimacy and trust generates an increased interest in sex.
Until they can open up about their feelings, fears, shame, and confusion they can’t really feel close. But, once that connection is stronger, they can begin to see their partner as a source of strength and support rather than a source of conflict and pain. It is that emotional connection, and emotional safety, that enables them to be vulnerable and really talk about what’s happening (or not happening) in the bedroom.
Conclusion
Toys, role-playing, and date nights can be great enhancements for couples who want to expand their sex life. But, for couples who have lost their sexual connection, these tricks can’t rebuild the trust and intimacy that really powers sexual desire.
The goal is to talk about the loss of intimacy, talk share your feelings, rather than blaming the other. And work as a team to feel closer emotionally. As you feel reconnected emotionaly, you’ll be surprised how quickly your sexual connection returns.
About Me
I’m a Couples Therapist in San Francisco. I focus on helping couples feel closer, more connected, and more loving. To learn more about my practice, please visit my website.
I hope you enjoyed this article. Please leave me a comment. Here are a few articles you might find useful on this topic.
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