125 Sex questions for couples. A safe way to talk about sex.

For every couple, there are some topics that are sure to cause a fight. For some, it's the kids, money, vacations, household chores, or what Netflix movie to watch. But even though these conversations can be difficult, and may start an argument, most couples still find a way to talk them through and reach some type of compromise or resolution. Everyone may not be perfectly happy, but they find a way to work it out. But few topics can stir up as much conflict as questions about sex.

Sex questions for couples

But, when it comes to sex, for many couples the conversation never even gets started. Men and women can walk around for years, aching to talk to their partner about their sex life.

They think about it, rehearse it, feel hurt and angry about it, fight about it, but they can't seem to talk about sex. They can’t seem to ask the sexual questions they want to as, or tell their partner the truth they’ve been hiding about their sexual feelings.

I’d worked with many couples who would rather put up with a sexless marriage than to try and talk about sex.

Talking about sex can feel dangerous

And in general, they have a good reason not to raise the topic. They know that the sex questions they so want to ask can quickly turn into a fight. And instead of bringing them closer as a couple, asking and answering their questions about sex can tear them apart.

Talking about sex can feel more like a minefield than an intimate conversation. One wrong step and everything blows up.

Their biggest fear is that if they start a conversation about sex, things will just go from bad to worse. So, for example, if they are only having sex rarely, they may raise the topic (one more time) about having more sex. But, just like every time in the past, the conversation doesn’t go anywhere. In fact, it leads to more fights and more hurt feelings, and even less sex. So to preserve what they have, even if it’s not much, they decide to just not talk about sex.

Many couples need a structure to make asking their sexual questions feel safe.

125 Sexual Questions for Couples.

To make this process easier, I give my couples a set of "125 Sexual Conversation Starters" from Ester Perel. These are gentle sex questions for the couple. It is NOT a sexual questionnaire. These questions help the couple start talking about sex in a safe way. This approach has several benefits.

They can talk about sex in general (rather than talking about what's going on in their own bedroom) - this is much safer and less confrontational
They learn new things about how their partner thinks about sex - this helps them understand their partner better and lowers the tension
They see themselves finally doing something constructive about their sex life - they feel good that they're making progress as a couple

As I said, my list of sex questions for couples comes from the set of 125 sex conversation starters from Ester Perel. You can download the list from the link below. Here are a few sample questions:

Do you prefer sex or chocolate?

What was the attitude toward sex in your family growing up? Comfortable? Positive? Natural? Awkward? Repressive? Shameful? Guilt inducing? Abusive?

When was the first time you masturbated? How did you feel?

Do you like to talk during sex? If so, do you prefer sweet talk or dirty talk?

What turns you off sexually?

When do you think of being naughty?

As you can see, these sex questions don’t start with “do you like it when I do…?”. That’s much too high voltage of a question. It will only lead to the couple’s traditional sex fight. And worse, it will push them further away from each other. Instead, these are more general sexual questions for the couple to use as a way of learning more about each other and t bring some sense of safety to a conversation about sex.

How to use the Sexual Conversation Starters

I give the couple a very simple set of instructions:

Only do one question a day
Try to talk together at least 3 times a week
Select that day’s question by choosing a number at random between 1 - 125
If one partner doesn't want to answer that question, then just pick another question
Keep each talk to only 5 - 15 minutes - Stay away from long discussions at first. Long talks will often end up straying into dangerous territory (you can start having longer conversations after you've had more practice)
Keep it light - try to have some fun. You're learning about yourself and each other.

Sexual Questions and Conversation Starters.

Couples usually find these sexual conversation starters fun and freeing. Even longtime married couples discover new things about their partner. Gradually, as they get more practice talking about sex in general, they can talk more about their own sex life as a couple.

But remember, in the beginning, the goal is to better understand each other rather than change what’s happening (or not happening) in the bedroom. You are working to build trust and communication. Pushing too soon to change behavior will only result in conflict.

A safe way to talk about sex

Often these discussions alone can bring new life to a dead bedroom. Once the couple has found a safe way to talk about sex, they can then begin to feel safe exploring being sexual together.

I hope you found this article useful - I’d love to hear your comments. Feel free to create a link to this article on your own site.

All my best,

Jacob