What is Gaslighting?
The term “Gaslighting” has become very popular over the past few years. People will often talk about how they feel that their partner, parent, friend, or boss is “gaslighting them”. But what does Gaslighting really mean?
Origin of the term Gaslighting
The term Gaslighting comes from a spooky 1944 movie called Gaslight with Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. In the movie, the husband tries to drive the wife crazy by constantly telling her that what she’s seeing, thinking, or feeling is all in her imagination and isn’t happening at all. And she starts to believe that she must be losing her mind.
What is Gaslighting?
Today, people use the term pretty loosely. But the key theme that drives the true gaslighting experience, is that one person repeatedly refuses to validate your perceptions, feelings, or memories. They are repeatedly telling you that your perceptions, feelings, and memories are wrong.
They do this because Gaslighting serves a purpose. Gaslighting you is a way for them to control you and control the discussion. They are dictating the reality of the situation (whether it is happening now or you’re discussing an event in the past) as a way to control the situation.
By repeatedly invalidating your perceptions/feelings/memories it makes you begin to doubt yourself. This self-doubt encourages you to back down or shut up.
Gaslighting can take many forms
Denying Your Feelings
You say, “It feels like you’re angry at me” and they say, “How could you say that? I’m not angry, you always think I’m angry when I’m not”.
You say, “I hate it when your mother is critical of me” and they say, “She’s not being critical. She doesn’t have a critical bone in her body. She’s just trying to be helpful. She loves you. You sound so ungrateful for all the things she’s done for us.”
Rewriting History
You bring up a past discussion or an incident. You have a very clear memory of what happened and they say “That never happened”, or “I never said that”, or “I wonder if you should see a neurologist. I think there’s something wrong with your memory.”
Taking credit
You’re talking with friends about a recent vacation and even though you picked the destination, found the hotel, booked the airplane, and found things to do, your partner says “I put it all together. It was my idea to start. I’ve always wanted to go there.” Or, if things go badly they shift all the blame onto you “You forced us to go there, I never wanted to go there, your bad attitude spoiled the whole trip. You just don’t know how to have fun.”
Denying Reality
They deny that an event took place or that they said something, even though you’re absolutely sure that it happened.
“That never happened”
“You’re making that up”
“You’re crazy”
“You’ll say anything to be right”
Emotional Shaming
You raise an issue, and they respond by shaming you into backing down. They use phrases like:
“You’re being ridiculous”
“You always overreact”
“Why are you making such a big deal out of it”
“You’re just too sensitive.”
Trivializing
Making fun of your feelings and trying to convince you that it’s your fault for getting upset.
“It was just a joke”
“You’re so serious. Can’t you lighten up?”
“You have no sense of humor. You used to be so much more fun.”
Love, respect, and Gaslighting
What makes gaslighting so hard to detect, or defend against, is that this distortion of reality is coming from someone you love, trust, and respect. If a stranger or someone who’s not important to you tried to Gaslight you, you’d just dismiss them as a liar or a crook.
But, when the person telling you these things is your husband, wife, parent, child, friend, boss, or co-worker; then it’s much more difficult to just dismiss their comments.
You want to trust your husband/wife when the two of you are talking about your relationship. You love them and want to believe them. Not believing them feels disloyal and unloving. This puts you in a terrible dilemma. If you believe them you feel crazy, but if you don’t believe them you feel sad and alone. So, the way we deal with that bind is to feel confused. And that confusion just perpetuates the Gaslightling cycle.
Why it’s hard to believe you’re being Gaslighted
Some people are just very good at Gaslighting. They can look you straight in the eye and lie through their teeth. They’re so good at it, and their lies are so outrageous, that you just naturally believe them.
This can make Gaslighting very hard to spot. And there’s a part of us that doesn’t want to believe that we are being gaslighted. Because if we come to believe that they are purposefully distorting the truth, then what does that say about them and what does that mean for your relationship?
So, we want to deny that they are Gaslighting us as a way to preserve our positive feelings toward the other person, and protect the relationship. If we come to believe that our boss, parent, or spouse is Gaslighting us, then can the relationship recover? Can we ever trust them? Can we still love them?
How to identify gaslighting
So how can you tell if someone is gaslighting you?
The tough thing about spotting gaslighting is that you can only see it over time. It’s not a one-time event, it’s an ongoing experience. It’s that he/she repeatedly presents a distorted view of a situation (past or present) and pushes you to accept their version of reality. The key to recognizing that it’s really Gaslighting is that this happens time and again. Over and over and over.
The best way to spot gaslighting is to ask yourself if you often come away from conversations with this person feeling:
Confused
Uncertain of what was discussed or what was decided
Like you’re “losing it” or going crazy
Shamed or like the conversation felt uncomfortable
Upset – but you don’t know who you’re upset with or what you’re upset about
Sad or hopeless – but you don’t know why
Repeatedly having this type of reaction to conversations with this person is a sign that they may be Gaslighting you.
How to stop being gaslighted
Just as gaslighting is hard to spot, it’s also hard to defend yourself against it. If you begin to suspect you’re being gaslighted, here are some steps you can take.
1. Look for the pattern
Write down what happened every time you feel like this person may be Gaslighting you. Talk to a friend or therapist each time you feel like this person may be gaslighting you. Then look back on your writing and your conversations with the therapist/friend and see if you can see a pattern. This pattern is the key to coming to trust that you’re being Gaslighted.
2. Take a break
When you begin to feel that confusion or see that pattern happening again, take a 20 – 30 minute break from the conversation. This will help you calm down and be able to look at the situation more carefully.
3. Refuse to engage
Don’t try to argue with the other person. That just shifts the focus to a he-said/she-said argument. Instead, try setting a boundary. Stand up for yourself – but don’t get caught in an argument. Try something like:
· “That’s not how I remember it”
· “I don’t like it when you try to demean me like that”
· “I’m going to trust my feelings about this”
Conclusion
The goal is not to try and out-argue the other person or to get them to agree with your memory/perception. Instead, the goal is to feel confident and comfortable holding on to how you feel. If you don’t buy into their interpretation, they can’t have any power over you.
About Me
I’m a Couples Therapist in San Francisco. I focus on helping couples feel closer, more connected, and more loving. To learn more about my practice, please visit my website. I hope you enjoyed this article. Here are a few articles you might find useful on this topic.
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