101. Why do couples stop having sex?
Podcast Summary and Shownotes
Why do couples stop having sex? It can feel like a mystery. You get along great, you have a good relationship, but for some reason, your sex life has slowly disappeared.This is a problem I see in my Couples Therapy practice all the time. Young couples, middle-aged, and old couples, unhappy that they've stopped having sex and can't seem to find a way back.
In this episode, I'll explain how losing a sense of trust and intimacy leads to losing a sex life. And how building trust and intimacy will rekindle your sex life much better than a date night or any articles on "spicing up your sex life".
My name is Jacob Brown, and I'm a Couples Therapist in San Francisco. To learn more, visit:
Transcript
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Hi, my name is Jacob Brown and I'm a couple's therapist in San Francisco. I wanna welcome you to sex love and couple's therapy. We all want to feel loved. That's a universal desire, but sometimes instead of feeling loving our relationships, feel confusing, frustrating, and a little crazy making The purpose of this podcast is to help you clear up some of that confusion so that you and your partner can find ways to make your relationship feel closer, more connect, to do more loving. So stay tuned. We've got a lot of great stuff to talk about, and now let's go talk about my three favorite topics, sex love and couple's therapy.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
One of the most common problems that couples therapists see is a couples come in complaining that they've stopped having sex or that the frequency of sex has dropped way, way, way down. And sometimes that condition can have lasted for weeks or months or years or in some cases, even decades. And this is something that couples therapists see all the time. It's much more common than you might think, but when a couple stops having sex or sex is very infrequent, they typically talk about it in terms of a change in sexual desire, they try to explain the change in their sexual relationship with cliches like, oh, well I guess the thrill is gone or the sex has gotten dull or we're not kids anymore. What do you expect? Things like that. They frame it as a change and desire. And as we're gonna talk about nine times outta 10, that's not really what's going on, but you see for many couples talking about sex is incredibly difficult and this change in their sex life.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
So alarms them and so mystifies them that anytime they try to talk about it, it only leads to a fight. So instead of talking about what's going on in their relationship, they try to fix it. And naturally the first step in trying to fix their sex life is they'd think they have to spice it up, you know, spice it up is the advice that screams out at you from all the talk shows and the supermarket magazines and the websites. The message is very clear. If your sex life is in the dumps, all you need to do is reignite the flame with date nights or role playing or sex toys, or maybe even an open marriage. They make it sound so simple, so clear and so incredibly easy. And it's not, it's a lot more complex than that. In my experience, a decline in sexual activity is rarely about a decline and desire and sex toys and role playing are rarely the cure, sex toys and fantasies and role playing are great for couples who have a happy and healthy and active sex life.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
And they just want to span it. They want to add new things to the sex life they already have. In contrast for couples who feel sexually disconnected or who sex life is, you know, on the rocks, these same solutions can actually make them feel even more disconnected, more unhappy and more alone. In my experience, the most common reason that sex starts to slip away is not a loss of desire, but a loss of emotional intimacy in the beginning of a relationship or when you're just hooking up or you're just dating. Sex is primarily fueled by desire. You know, at the, at those stages, you don't need a deep emotional connection to feel sexual and enjoy sex, but that really changes in a long term relationship in a long term relationship, sexual desire is powered by the couple's emotional connection, not their hormones. And that's a really different way of looking at it and takes a little thought.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
But I'm gonna say it again in a long term relationship, sexual desire is powered by the couple's emotional connection. Not the hormones in an established relationship. Sex becomes the way I look at it as a form of community. It is one of the many ways in which each partner both expresses their love and experiences. Their partner's love for them. It's the language through which the couple experiences, their emotional connection. If for whatever reason, a couple begins to feel less emotionally connected, that intimate form of communication begins to wane. And then over time, their sense of sexual desire will start to fade. The way I express this to my clients is that in a long term, relationship, sex cannot thrive without emotional intimacy, more intimacy leads to more sex, but more sex does not lead to more intimacy. But what happens when sexual activity disappears? The couple, usually look at each other and ask, why aren't we having sex?
Speaker 1 (05:34):
Why don't you desire me anymore? Why don't you want me anymore? But those are exactly the wrong question. The real question is not why don't you desire me, but why are we feeling less emotionally connected? It's easy to understand why they gravitate toward this quick fix. Like we're all playing in fantasy. That's because trying to understand that loss of emotional intimacy is so much more confusing, more vulnerable and riskier. So what might happen that interferes with a couple's sense of emotional intimacy? Well, there are a lot of things that come can impact the emotional connection and that intimate connection between a couple it's different from every couple. But here I'm gonna go through five things that I see most commonly in my couple's therapy practice. The first and by far, the most common issue is shame for many P people. A deep sense of shame gets in the way of their ability to talk about sex.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
The topic feels in incredibly uncomfortable that it can be easier for them to just roll over and go to sleep and give up on sex than to have an open, loving, and intimate discussion. The shame is experienced as this deep and profound fee feeling and fear that I'm not enough. I'm not enough for my partner. I'm not enough. This fear that they are not enough can increase as they age, as people age and their bodies change. This sense of shame can increase. They worry about that. They are no longer desirable or that their partner is disappointed by their physical limitations of their aging body. But that shame can also be present in young relationships where that sense of not enough is just as strong and gets in the way of open and loving communication around sex. Shame is an incredible killer to sexual desire and emotional intimacy.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
The second issue is resentments. Every couple, no matter how comfortable and compatible has some issues or areas of conflict, if they haven't been able to work through these issues, the pain is never resolved and CR can create long term resentments. It can be from a painful interaction last week or from 50 years ago. But if the issue remains unresolved, then the pain still feels fresh re and alive. The couple may still get along great. They enjoy being married. The household functions well, they take care of the kids. It feels like a good partnership, but that deep loving connection will start to show cracks and they'll move from being married to being roommates. The third issue is a loss of trust. Trust is a vital precursor of intimacy. And I can't tell you how important this is. So I'm gonna say it again. Trust is a vital precursor of intimacy.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
You can't have intimacy. If you don't have trust. If a partner loses the sense that they trust their partner, they will not feel emotionally or physically safe. And this will create a barrier to intimacy. The loss of trust can come from a major event like an infidelity, or it may build slowly because of a series of small issues in which one partner feels that their partner doesn't have their back. The fourth issue is feeling unheard or unseen to feel truly connected. You must feel that your partner sees you and understands who you are. You need to feel that you don't have to put on a false front with that person that you love and to whom you are closest. And who's so important to you, and that you want to really hear what you want them to really hear what you have to say and to know what you are feeling inside.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
How can you give yourself fully to your partner if you don't think they really see you as they are, or they're not interested in hearing who you are. And the last issue is unresolved grief. As you age, you experience many types of grief. The death of friends and family dreams are shattered illness or injury, financial distress, loss of employment, friends drift away and so on. And so on. As we grieve, we often turn inward and pull away from the people around us. And that's a natural part of the grieving process. And generally people are able to work through those losses and reengage with the, of people in their lives. But sometimes the deep sadness of grief remains trapped inside and creates a barrier between them and the world. And until the loss could be fully expressed and processed, it may feel impossible to regain that sense of connection and intimacy with your partner.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
In my experience, the best way to rekindle a couple's sexual connection is to work on rebuilding their emotional connection. Once the barriers to intimacy have been diminished, the couple feels more emotionally connected, and they are naturally drawn closer to each other. This increased and trust generates an increased interest in sex. This is just a natural process. You don't have to do anything to make them feel more sexually connected. What you have to do is make help them to become more emotionally connected until they can open up about their feelings, fears, shame, and confusion. They can't really feel close, but once the connection is stronger, they can begin to see their partner as a source of strength and support rather than a source of conflict and pain. It is that emotional connection that enables them to be vulnerable and really talk about what's happening or not happening in the bedroom. Sex toys, and role playing and date nights can be great enhancements for couples who wanna expand their sex life and who are having a good sex life, but just want more. But for couples who have lost that sex connection, these toys can't rebuild the trust and intimacy that really powers sexual desire. The answer is not sex toys. The answer is feeling more intimately connected with your partner and that intimate connection fuels your sexual desire.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Well, that's our episode for today. I hope we found it interesting and useful, but most of all, I'd like to thank you for listening. If you have a minute, please hit the subscribe button and give us a rating. And I hope to see you again soon on another episode of sex, love and couples therapy.