Trial separation. How long should a break last?
Couples talk about separating. “We’re on a break”, “It’s a trial separation”, or “We’re giving each other some space”. But what is a trial separation, and can it help your relationship?
What is a trial separation? How does it help?
People often frame the separation as giving themselves “time to think”. In my experience, the benefit of the separation is just the opposite. I believe the benefit of a trial separation is that it gives the partners some time NOT to think.
Living in an unhappy relationship is exhausting, and overwhelming, and it can wear you down to a nub. The trial separation is an opportunity to stop thinking about everything and take a deep breath.
Along with giving the partners a mental and emotional break, separations can also be a way to hit the pause button on a relationship’s downward spiral. Sometimes, a marriage reaches the point where the unhappy feelings gather so much momentum that it feels like a runaway car careening down the hill to divorce. The separation slows that process, gives both partners an opportunity to catch their breath, and stops the downward slide.
Does a trial separation work?
It's important to remember that a trial separation doesn’t repair the relationship. It doesn’t fix anything. It doesn’t change the problems that the marriage has been facing. It doesn’t bring people closer together.
The separation gives you a chance to rest up and recuperate, to gather your strength so that you have the energy to get back to working on your marriage with a better attitude. But just taking a break won’t change the way the two of you interact or change the situation.
At the same time, the break may help you see that while you wish things were different, you may no longer feel that you have the hope and energy to try and make things different.
Trial separation in the same house. Separated but sleeping in the same bed
Separated but living together. Doesn’t sound very practical, does it? But, because of finances, logistics, kids, etc., couples often find that they need to have a trial separation in the same house.
In this case, the couple has to create the idea of a separation while still living in the same house. And, if you don’t have a spare room, you may find yourself still sharing a bed. Obviously, this is less than ideal. But the reality is that there may not be another option.
If this is the case for you, then it calls for working out a clear set of boundaries. And that requires addressing some important questions directly. “Are we having sex?”, “Are we hanging out together?”, “Are we talking during the separation”. Remember, the goal of the separation is to give you a break from the constant pressure of the marriage. This means that you must work out rules that provide each of you with some form of respite so that you can feel recharged.
Image courtesy of Unsplash.com Glenn Carstens-Peters
Trial separation checklist
It’s important to take a little time and set down some guidelines for the separation. Get as much decided on before you start the separation. You can always make changes later. Here are 7 core items that should be on every separation checklist.
1. Timeline. Set a date for talking about ending the separation (this might be reconciliation or moving forward toward divorce).
2. Finances. Work out in advance who is going to pay what bills. Don’t be afraid to go into the details. Better to do it before hand than have disagreements later.
3. Dating. Are you going to date during the separation? Tread carefully here.
4. Sex. Are you and your partner going to have sex during the separation? If you’re having sex, are you really separated?
5. The kids. Who will the kids be living with? When can the other partner spend time with the kids?
6. Housing. Who gets to stay in the house during separation?
7. Talks. When are you going to talk? How often? Do you have to talk?
The average length of separation before reconciliation
My clients always ask, “How long should the separation last?”. And they usually hate my answer. “Long enough for something to feel different”.
If you have a separation and then go back to living together even though nothing feels different, what good have you done? Reconciliation can only start if something has changed. As the old saying goes “If nothing changes, then nothing changes”. This is your marriage, and your marriage is unique. It doesn’t matter what the average length of separation before reconciliation is.
Try to avoid setting a firm timeline for the separation. Be separate until it feels like something is changing. And, if nothing changes, then it may be time to either accept that this is the way the marriage will be or to look at the idea of divorce.
Signs of reconciliation after separation
The most positive sign during separation is a willingness to do things differently in the marriage. An openness to change.
In an unhappy marriage, both partners get deeply stuck in their own ruts. It feels as if nothing ever changes. You have the same fights over and over again. You feel the same pain. Change feels impossible.
A sign that the separation has been helpful, is when you and your partner both begin to do things differently. And most importantly, you begin to see how you need to change, rather than repeatedly pointing out to your partner how they need to change.
Conclusion
A trial separation can be very helpful when the couple feels both deeply unhappy and deeply stuck. Separations can be very helpful in giving each partner the opportunity to:
1. Get a break from the stress and unhappiness at home
2. Change things up and get out of the rut of the marriage
3. Get back in touch with who they are separate from the marriage
The goal of the separation is not to make sure that the partners reconcile. The goal is to find a way to move forward, whether that’s separately or together.
About Me
I’m a Couples Therapist in San Francisco. I focus on helping couples feel closer, more connected, and more loving. To learn more about my practice, please visit my website. I hope you enjoyed this article. Here are a few articles you might find useful on this topic.