How often do couples fight? 5 steps to cool things down.
Couples in therapy often ask me - How often do couples fight? It’s a legitimate question, but most of the time I don’t think they’re really asking me a question. I think they’re trying to tell me something. They’re saying; “We’re fighting all the time”, “Our fighting doesn’t feel healthy”,j or “It feels like our marriage is in trouble”.
If this cycle of fighting has been going on for years, they may also be trying to tell me “Every conversation turns into an argument” or “I’m exhausted from all the fighting”, or even “I’m losing hope, and I don’t know how much longer I can stay married”.
How much fighting is too much?
Couples tend to focus on how often they fight. They want to know how much fighting is too much. There’s no real answer to that, because every couple is different. Some couples fight a lot but still feel very loving and close. For others, any disagreement feels like the sky is falling. So, the real question isn’t how often do couples fight. The important question is “How do you feel about your fights?”
Is your fighting hurting your marriage?
Here are some questions to talk over with your partner to help you understand how you both feel when you fight.
1. Does it feel like every conversation turns into an argument?
2. Does it feel like you keep fighting about the same topics?
3. What happens after the fight?
4. How do you feel while you’re fighting?
5. What was the fighting like in your childhood home?
1. Does it feel like every conversation turns into an argument?
There are times in a marriage when it feels like every conversation turns into an argument. You, and your partner go around on tiptoes, walking on eggshells, trying to stay out of each other’s way, saying as little as possible, trying to avoid a fresh blow up. It feels awful. Sometimes it feels like you can’t say anything. When every conversation turns into an argument, couples say things like:
· “My wife yells at me”
· “My husband thinks he does nothing wrong”
· “Why is my wife always mad at me”
· “My husband argues with everything I say”
When things get to this point it’s important to shift your focus from your conflicts to the fragile state of your relationship. Rather than pointing fingers and complaining about your partner, you have to recognize how unhappy you both are.
Next Steps:
Here are three steps to help you and your partner clear the air.
A. Acknowledge how things feel. Tell your partner that it “feels like we turn every conversation turns into an argument”. Be careful not to say, “you turn every conversation…”. That’s blaming them for the situation. This is not a one-partner problem – this is a relationship problem.
B. Tell your partner how you feel. Remember your talking about your feelings not his/her behavior. So, something like “I feel really stressed out and sad all the time” and leave out the “when you do …”.
C. Ask them how they feel. You’re not asking them about how they feel about the topics you’re arguing about, but how it feels for them to be in the marriage right now. This gives you both a chance to talk about how sad and hopeless you may be feeling.
2. Does it feel like you keep having the same fight?
If you keep having the same fight over and over, that’s a message. It’s telling you that the real conflict is different from what you’re fighting about. I call these proxy wars. In other words, while it looks like you’re fighting over the dishes, childcare, or mowing the lawn; in reality you’re upset about something much more important. Something that’s more difficult to talk about than the wet towel on the bathroom floor. Something like, your sex life, how you feel lonely in the marriage, or the disappointment you feel about your life.
Next Step: Spend some time on your own trying to understand what it is you’re really unhappy about. Try to think about what makes you feel hurt or sad, instead of what makes you feel angry. Then, if you can’t talk to your partner about it, write about it. Get comfortable with the issue. Talk to your therapist if you have one. And slowly work up your willingness to open up to your partner. Often, they already know what the issue is.
3. What happens after the fight?
When the fight is over, what do the two of you do? The three most moves are:
A. You don’t talk for a day, or two, or three
B. You pretend that nothing happened (Fight? What fight? Did we have a fight?)
C. You come back together and work to repair the rift
Next Step: Talk to each other about how you’d like to behave after your next fight. Talk about how unhappy option A or B make you and tell your partner you’d like to try option C (if that’s what you really want). If your partner won’t agree to even try option C, then you try to do it on your own. You come to him after the next fight and offer to work together to repair the rift. Don’t wait for them. If you would like to change how you are after a fight, then you can begin the change now.
4. How do you feel while you’re in the fight?
When you’re fighting does it sometimes feel like your brain locks up? As if you can barely think or talk? Like you’re in a fog? That is a very common neurological response to a stressful situation. A part of the brain called the Amygdala takes over. The Amygdala is the center of all emotion, and when it gets overstimulated it shuts down your Cerebral Cortex, the brain’s logic center. It’s not your fault. It’s just how we’re wired.
Next Step: Take a break. Go for a walk. Read your book. Watch TV. Whatever you find relaxing. You need to give your neurological system 20 – 30 minutes to calm down before you can talk and think clearly. It’s not your fault, it’s just the way we’re wired.
5. What was the fighting like in your childhood home?
We learn how to deal with conflict by watching our parents/caregivers deal with conflict. Were the fights you witnessed relatively peaceful, were people able to argue and then come back together and repair the rift? Or, was the conflict in your home frightening, chaotic, unpredictable, or dangerous?
When you fight with your partner, it brings back the feelings you experienced when you witnessed fights as a child. For some of us, that can feel very traumatic. So, while your partner may be raising a minor objection, to you it can feel like WWIII. Or, on the flip side, your partner may feel he/she has to really raise the volume to get your attention.
Next Steps. Sit down with your partner and share with each other what conflict was like when you were growing up. How it made you feel as a child and how that contributes to how you’re feeling now when the two of you fight.
Cooling things off and staying connected
Remember, the goal is NOT to stop all the arguments. Some conflict is inevitable. The goal is to feel connected to each other, even when you argue. To prioritize the relationship over the argument. But sometimes you just can’t calm down, so you need some help.
Try following these 5 steps, you can lower the heat of your conflicts. It may take a little practice, but it will give your neurological system the 20 – 30 minutes it needs to calm down. But if you just walk out your partner will get even angrier, he/she will feel like you don’t care about them and their feelings. So instead, try telling them this before you take a break from the discussion.
A. I love you
B. This is an important topic – I want to finish talking about it
C. I’m too upset right now – I need to take a break
D. I’m going to go for a walk (or read, watch tv, do a crossword, etc.) for 30 minutes
E. When I calm down, I promise I will come back to you, and we can continue our talk
This will help you lower the barrier between you and your partner so that the two of you can get back to feeling connected. You don’t have to solve all your problems. But wouldn’t it be nice to be able to talk about things without every conversation turning into an argument?
About Me
I’m a Couples Therapist in San Francisco. I focus on helping couples feel closer, more connected, and more loving. To learn more about my practice, please visit my website.
I hope you enjoyed this article. Please leave me a comment. Here are a few articles you might find useful on this topic.