The shame and humiliation of not getting an erection
Most men have at least an occasional problem getting or maintaining an erection. And when it happens, it can be very uncomfortable. Not surprisingly most couples don’t want to spend much time talking about this. The tendency is for the woman to say, “It’s no big deal, don’t worry about it”. And the man says something like “I’m really tired” or “I shouldn’t have had that third drink”. And everyone agrees to act like it never happened.
But that’s too bad. Because the important issue here is not that he couldn’t get an erection. The important thing is how the couple deals with it. The couple has a choice. This can become an opportunity for them to become closer by working through a painful moment together, or they can retreat into their hurt feelings and let it push them apart.
Are guys embarrassed when they can’t get it up?
Sometimes women genuinely don’t understand how a man might feel when he can’t get an erection. Some men aren’t just embarrassed, they can feel humiliated and ashamed.
Men are taught from puberty that their role in sex is all about performance. They are not taught that their role is to be loving, compassionate, and fun. They are told that they need to demonstrate that they are “a real man” and that they can satisfy a woman. That’s the clear message men receive over and over again.
As a result, a man may believe that the success/failure of any sexual encounter is on his shoulders. He may feel that her satisfaction rests on how well he “performs”. And, if he can’t perform then he’s a failure.
Erectile Dysfunction Humiliation
Many couples see me when the man begins to have trouble getting or maintaining an erection. When I ask him how he feels when he has trouble with an erection, most men will tell me that their dominant feeling is frustration.
However, in my experience, beneath that frustration, I often find that the core emotion is shame. Lots, and lots, of shame. And that shame can do much more damage to the relationship than not being able to get hard. Shame is corrosive. It can eat you up. This shame over the lack of an erection expresses itself as:
Anxiety – “I’m scared it will happen next time”
Embarrassment – “I want to hide when it happens”
Self-Loathing – “I hate myself”
Failure – “I let her down”
What does it mean when my boyfriend can’t stay hard? Is it Me?
Women have been taught that the correct response in this situation is to say something like “It’s OK. It’s no big deal. Don’t get upset about it. It happens.” The whole focus of the conversation is on how it is affecting the man. As if the woman isn’t really there or doesn’t have any feelings about it. In reality, women often have a strong emotional reaction to their partner’s not being able to get an erection.
For many women, there’s at least a part of them that wonders whether it’s a reflection of their desirability. They may ask themselves “Is it my fault?”. This leads to all the self-shaming questions that our culture directs toward women, “Am I sexy enough?” “Am I skinny enough?” “Am I attractive enough?”, “Am I adventurous enough in bed”, and so on. These are painful feelings that compound any body-shame or sex-shame she may already be carrying.
So, while it may look like she’s trying to reassure him when she says, “It’s not important, let’s not even bother talking about it”, in part she may actually be shutting down the conversation for her own sake. She may be cutting off the discussion to avoid her own feelings of shame.
My partner has ED and won’t touch me. The role of shame.
Shame can pull a man away from his partner. No one wants to feel shame. It’s an awful experience and a toxic emotion. People will do anything to escape the feeling of shame. Including stopping having sex.
So, if the man is feeling shame around his ED, it’s natural to try and avoid talking about it. But, if the couple avoids the topic or minimizes it as “no big deal”, then neither partner gets a chance to process those feelings or to express what’s going on inside them. And, as a result, they just bring that pain, confusion, and anxiety to the next time they have sex.
And when they do have sex, rather than being in the moment, the man will focus his attention on getting and keeping his erection. And the woman will focus her attention on whether he is getting and maintaining the erection. He may hurry to finish sex before he loses the erection. And she may be so focused on helping him finish “successfully”, to avoid the problem, that she then neglects her own experience.
As a result, they both become disengaged from their partner and less emotionally connected during sex. And the sex becomes less satisfying for both of them. If he continues to have erection problems, and they avoid talking about it, his problems may become more frequent. Until eventually one, or both, of them starts avoiding sex in order to escape from experiencing the discomfort.
Talking about both of your feelings
The solution is to use this as an opportunity to open up to each other and share the difficult feelings that each may have about sex, and how it feels when he can’t get an erection.
“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding,
shame can't survive.” Dr. Brené Brown
The way out of this negative shame cycle is not to hide from it or pretend it doesn’t exist. The way out of shame comes through sharing our pain with someone we love and trust. And, if you can’t trust each other to respond lovingly to your pain, then as a couple, you need to work together to learn how to trust your partner and how to be a trustworthy partner for them.
I have written this article from the perspective of a cisgender heterosexual couple. I chose to write from this perspective because I am a straight cisgender man, and the majority of my practice is with heterosexual couples. But it is important to understand that many of the same issues are present whether it is a man and a woman, two men, or any other combination in which one partner is able to get an erection.
About Me
I’m a Couples Therapist in San Francisco. I focus on helping couples feel closer, more connected, and more loving. To learn more about my practice, please visit my website.
I hope you enjoyed this article. Please leave me a comment. Here are a few articles you might find useful on this topic.