Couples will often come into therapy with a story something like “We had a fight last night. She came home and told me that we’re going to have to postpone our vacation because of a work conflict. I told her that I was unhappy about that and she said I was overreacting. And then the whole fight really blew up”. 

Am I overreacting?

My guess is that the conversation went something like this:

She says: You won’t believe what those jerks at work did this time (shifting blame onto others).  They moved the sales meeting to the end of August, right when we’re supposed to go on vacation.  You know I can’t miss the meeting (powerlessness), so we’re going to have to shift our vacation time.  The good news is they’ll pay for any penalties for making the change.  So, its really not a big deal at all (minimizing), in fact, the weather may be better in September (rationalizing).  Do you want to have Thai or Mexican tonight (changing the subject hoping for a smooth getaway)?

He says: I can’t believe you just come home at do an “Oh by the way”.  Like it’s no big deal (mock indignation to raise the emotional volume and claim the moral high ground).  It’s a very big deal.  I’m really upset.  I mean we’ve talked about setting boundaries with your work and every time they ask you to do something you always say yes (shame and guilt).

She says: I knew you were going to do this.  You always overreact.  You always do this. You’re just trying to beat me up. (shifting blame away from the change of plans to their partner’s reaction)

What do people really mean when they say you’re overreacting?

If you ask your partner what an overreaction means, he or she will probably say something like:

I wish you’d just try to look at it rationally and not be so emotional.

I don’t know why you’re getting so worked up, it’s not that big of a deal.

I wish you could control your emotions.

But what they really want to tell you is “Calm down and shut up!”

But they know they’re not supposed to actually say those words, so they say, “that’s an overreaction”.  But, internally, you know what they’re really trying to say.  And you respond as if they had said “Calm down and shut up”.  And things just go downhill from there.  And in the blink of an eye, you and your partner are either yelling at each other or you’re in separate rooms and not talking at all.

Why does she tell him he’s overreacting?

Have you ever had a grease fire on the stove?  You’re cooking dinner and out of nowhere, the pan seems to explode in flames. And the best way to put the fire out is to put a lid on it.  That’s typically what’s happening when someone tells you that you’re overreacting. 

·       They’re surprised (or they pretend that they’re surprised) by your response.

·       They’re upset by the emotion of your response.

·       They’re trying to put a lid on your response to calm things down. 

·       They’re shifting the blame off of them and onto you and your reaction.

I don’t mean that your partner is doing this on purpose.  It’s not a strategy that they’ve thought through. Its instinctual and unconscious. 

In a case like this, the wife knows that this news is going to cause a problem.  It has to.  This isn’t the first time they’ve had a discussion like this.  She knows it’s going to disappoint her partner and hurt his feelings.  And she feels guilty about that to start with.  In addition, she was looking forward to the vacation too.  She’s unhappy about it herself. And, perhaps, feeling a little shame and guilt that she wasn’t able to set better boundaries at work.

You’re Overreacting!!!

It’s important to remember that the wife is already upset before she even comes home. She tries to hide it in the casual way she gives him news that she knows he will find upsetting. But she’s already upset. Then, when she sees him getting upset, it increases all of the bad feelings she’s already carrying.  ‘

Sim what does she do? She calls him overreacting as a way to put a lid on his reaction so that she won’t get more upset. She is trying to protect herself from:

• Having to hear his pain

• Feeling guilty about his pain

• Rehashing old wounds around work boundaries

• Feeling her own disappointment at missing the vacation

• Feeling her shame about not being able to maintain work boundaries

• Being seen as the bad guy

Am I overreacting?

His wife has just given him some bad news and he’s upset.  Perfectly natural.  At this point everything is manageable, there may be a fight or some hurt feelings, but nothing too damaging.  The argument doesn’t get hurtful until she tells him that he’s overreacting. 

That’s his cue to really start having a big reaction.  Because internally he interprets this as saying:

You’re wrong to be upset.

Your feelings aren’t important to me.

I don’t want to hear what you have to say.

And that’s what’s really causing the fight.  He’s angry/hurt/resentful/sad that she’s not being more respectful about his feelings.  He’s now very upset, in part because of the vacation, but mostly because his wife has essentially just told him that his feelings aren’t important.  And that really hurts. Then the argument goes nuclear, they talk for a couple of hours, and nothing gets resolved.  Maybe someone sleeps on the couch. 

And nothing gets resolved because the two of you are arguing about the vacation – instead of telling each other how hurt you feel and being willing to hear your partner tell you how hurt they feel.

How to avoid overreacting

What would have happened if instead of telling him that he’s overreacting, she’d said something like:

“I don’t blame you for being upset.  I’m really unhappy too.  I really want to go on vacation with you and I’m sorry that I disappointed you.  I know you think it’s my fault for not setting boundaries, but I really did try to get out of it.  I don’t blame you for feeling angry.  I really want to talk about this and hear how you’re feeling.”

It would have been a very different story.  There would still have been an argument, and some hurt feelings.  But nothing nasty or hurtful.

And when that couple came in for therapy, they would have talked about how they had worked through a difficult talk and came out feeling more connected.