The Dead Bedroom. When the sex stops in your relationship.
Couples often fight about sex. How often they should have sex? When to have sex? What kind of sex to have? Who initiates sex? etc. These are very normal fights, and they usually start a few years after the beginning of the relationship. As the passion in the relationship begins to cool, one partner typically has a higher desire for sex, and it can take the couple a while to work it out together. Very normal.
However, if the conflicts continue, month after month, year after year; then it’s something to worry about. Then the issue probably isn’t just about sex. After all, the couple has learned to work out other conflicts in the relationship. This means that the conflict over sex is really a stand-in for other issues that are unresolved or maybe have never even been openly discussed.
How to talk to your partner about lack of intimacy
Sometimes couples stop having sex. This is often referred to as a dead bedroom, a sexless marriage, or a platonic marriage. Rather than disagreeing about how frequently to have sex, the couple slowly slides into a relationship where they stop talking about sex, stop arguing about sex, and stop having sex. In many cases, the rest of the relationship continues to function well, but the bedroom has become a place of sadness, loss, and unexpressed feelings. They’ve discovered that every time they talk about it, they end up in a fight, nothing is resolved, and everyone’s feelings are badly bruised. So, they just stop talking about sex.
In American culture having a conflict over the frequency of sex is accepted, and couples can even joke about it with friends. But the idea of a dead bedroom, where a couple isn’t having sex, is seen as embarrassing and shameful. In fact, typically the couple can’t even talk to each other about how they are now living in a sexless marriage.
When the sex stops in your relationship
A sexless marriage is very different from a relationship in which there is a sudden stop in sexual activity. In most cases, a sudden cessation of sex is the result of a conflict. There has been a rift in the relationship (e.g., a fight, insult, shaming, broken promise, etc.), and someone’s feelings are badly hurt. Cutting off sex is a dramatic way for one partner to say to the other, “Look how badly you hurt me”, or “You’re not listening to me”, or “I feel alone and cut off from you”.
These breaks in a couple’s typical sex pattern are usually relatively short-lived. They may last for a few days or weeks. But as feelings mend and tempers cool, the couple’s sex life will return to its normal level. The one exception to this process is if there has been an infidelity. If a partner discovers an infidelity, the sex often stops abruptly and may stay cut off for months or years, or until the couple either separates or works through the trauma of the infidelity. These dead bedrooms can last for years or decades.
A gradual decline into a sexless relationship
Moving from being sexually active to a sexless marriage is usually a very gradual process. The couple evolves from being sexually active, to less active, to infrequent sex, and then to no sex. Until suddenly they realize that it’s been months or years since they’ve had a meaningful sexual connection. They are both aware of what’s happening and can be deeply sad about the loss.
But even though they both hate what’s happening, they are unable to talk about how they’ve gradually become roommates rather than lovers.
My boyfriend doesn’t seem interested in me sexually anymore
When they come to therapy, each usually sees this as reflecting their partner’s lack of sexual desire. They feel that their partner no longer wants them sexually. This is seen in how they talk about the issue:
My wife loves me but doesn’t desire me.
Why is my wife not interested in me sexually?
Why doesn’t my boyfriend want to have sex with me?
My husband has lost interest in me sexually.
The partners feel hurt and shame. They feel rejected and keep searching for a reason, believing that somehow they’ve caused the problem. It’s something they’ve done. And these feelings are so painful, that it’s often impossible to talk about.
A dead bedroom is usually an intimacy problem, not a sex problem.
It’s natural to think that this is a sex problem. A lack of sexual desire. And rather than talking about what’s going on in their marriage, couples start trying to “spice things up”.
But this isn’t really a sex problem. It’s an intimacy problem. The couple hasn’t lost the desire for sex, they’ve lost the ability to talk about sex and what’s going on in their relationship and in the bedroom. They may be able to fight about it, but they can’t share their more vulnerable and intimate feelings about what’s happening in their marriage.
I want to make it clear that this is not about aging, ability, or desire. I’ve seen couples in their early 30’s that are no longer having sex, and couples in their 70’s and 80’s that are very sexually active. I’ve seen couples where the man can’t get an erection or intercourse is too painful for the woman, and these couples can still be in a sexual relationship if they can talk about their sex life. (For information on aging and sexuality, please see my page Seniors and Sexuality).
Just because a couple isn’t having sex doesn’t mean there isn’t any desire. Couples who are in a sexless relationship may desire each other tremendously, but they can’t get past the hurt and unspoken feelings that block them from connecting with each other emotionally and sexually.
What to do when your partner doesn’t want to be intimate?
The solution to a sexless relationship or low-sex relationship is not scheduling a date night. Date nights are great, but on their own, they can’t cure a dead bedroom.
Moving back into a sexual relationship requires a willingness to communicate, to be vulnerable, intimate, and honest. It requires the courage to say the things that you’ve felt too hurt or too embarrassed to share. Because it’s only through that honest and intimate communication that the couple can regain their true sense of connection.
Next Steps
If you feel like your relationship has become, or is in danger of becoming, sexless; I hope you’ll contact me (see the contact information below). I’d be happy to set-up a free 30-minute phone or Zoom consultation. My physical office is in San Francisco and Marin County, but I’m also seeing clients throughout California by phone or video.
I hope you found this article useful - I’d love to hear your comments. Feel free to create a link to this article on your own site.
All my best,
Jacob
Here are some related articles that you might find helpful.
Talking about sex - conversation starters for couples
Senior Sex: Focusing on intimacy not intercourse