All couples fight.  It’s just a natural part of being a couple. I tell all my clients that the goal is not to stop having fights, the goal is to learn how to quickly repair the rifts that fights can cause. Fighting, in and of itself isn’t a bad thing or a sign that you need Premarital Counseling or Couples Therapy.   But some kinds of fights may indicate that there are underlying issues that need to be worked on. 

Here are some warning signs that you should consider Premarital Counseling before getting married.  It’s much easier to deal with issues early in the relationship than after 10 years of marriage and a couple of kids.  

1.       Recurrent Fights

Does it feel like you keep having the same fight over and over?  Or are the fights on different topics but they have a similar feel or a similar theme? Recurrent fights are a sign that there is a deeper emotional issue that is not being addressed.  It may seem like you’re fighting about one thing (how to spend your leisure time) but the fight never really gets resolved because the fight is really about how one partner feels abandoned and uncared for. 

2.       Hurtful or Nasty Fights

Do your fights leave one or both or both of you feeling deeply hurt or resentful?  Some couples can’t seem to help calling each other nasty names or ridiculing their partner during a fight.  It feels as if they’re trying to hurt each other rather than trying to resolve a disagreement. While they may laugh it off as “that’s just our style” it is actually a deeply damaging experience.  For some people, these hurtful fights are often connected to childhood trauma, and no matter how hard they try, they can’t help but fight “dirty”. 

3.       Shaming fights

It’s one thing to tell your partner that you disagree with them.  But it’s another thing to tell them that they’re a bad person for what they’ve done or what they think.  Shaming demonstrates that one partner feels contempt for the other.  And knowing that your partner feels contempt for you is incredibly damaging to the relationship.  According to couples therapist Dr. John Gottman, an attitude of contempt is the single best indicator that a couple is headed for divorce.

4.       Silent Treatment

It’s not at all unusual for one partner to feel so hurt by the other, that they withdraw and won’t speak to them for a few hours or overnight.  That’s perfectly natural.  But when the silence extends into days, then the partner is using it as a tool for hurting their partner rather than protecting their own feelings.  Left unresolved, this can become a destructive pattern in the marriage and the couple can become increasingly emotionally distant.   

5.       Violent Fights 

Domestic violence is always a very serious issue and Premarital Counseling should be employed to deal with violence before the marriage.  Domestic violence rarely gets better on its own and is likely to get worse as the relationship matures.  It is not enough for the partner to promise “it will never happen again”.  Couples experiencing violence should get couples therapy immediately and wedding plans should be put on hold until this problem is fully worked out. 

The benefits of Premarital Counseling

These types of unhealthy fights are difficult to resolve on your own.  They often reflect personal and emotional issues that predate the relationship, and they are can be a reflection of childhood trauma and abuse.  For these reasons, simply “learning how to fight” or “building better communication skills” won’t really change the dynamic, no matter how hard you try and how sincere your effort. 

In these cases, Couples Counseling or Premarital Counseling can be very helpful.  In counseling you can:

• Understand why these fights are happening

• Work through the underlying issues

• Express the feelings you’ve been hiding from your partner

• Learn to listen and accept your partner’s feelings – even when they differ from your own

Next Steps

If you think that you might benefit from Premarital Counseling or Couples Counseling please give me a call.  I’d be happy to set-up a free 20-minute phone/video consultation to see if we’d be a good fit. My office is in San Francisco and Marin County, and I offer online counseling to couples anywhere in California.  Contact Me

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All my best,

Jacob