The truth about sex after 60

The world doesn’t like to talk about sex after 60. Or after 70. Or after 80. Or after 90.

People would prefer to pretend that older couples don’t have sex, don’t want sex, and don’t even think about sex. But, for those of us who are over 60, we know that’s not the truth. Older couples think about sex, want sex, and need sex. Whether you’re having sex or not, the idea of sex is a part of every relationship, no matter at what age.

For couples in their 60’s, 70’s, 80’s, and beyond, the desire for sex doesn’t disappear. Men and women of all ages want and need, to experience a physical expression of intimacy, closeness, and love. The need for physical and emotional intimacy is central to what makes us human. It is literally hardwired into our DNA. Intimacy is just as important for older couples as it is for younger couples. But intimacy can take many forms.

While the desire for some form of physical connection is there, older couples have to accept and adjust to the reality that their bodies have changed with age. Senior sex is different from sex in your 20’s and 30’s. Just as we move from running to walking or from singles tennis to doubles as we age, the way we experience sex has to reflect how our bodies work, or don’t work, today.

Frequency of sex after 60

As a culture, we seem to be obsessed with how frequently people are having sex.  Everybody seems to be fascinated by how often older couples have sex.

But the real question to me is “Why aren’t older couples having sex more often?”.  And, based on my experience as a Couples Therapist, the barrier to older people having sex is not their physical ability.  The biggest barrier to seniors having more sex is their inability to talk about sex.

Couples of all ages have trouble talking about sex.  But for older couples, it can be especially hard to have an open and loving discussion with their partner about what they can do, can’t do, what they worry about, desire, and fear. 

Talking about older couple sex

Talking about older couple sex is much easier said than done.

We’ve all grown up with so many taboos around our bodies and sex that it can be very hard to communicate. It’s sad, but many older couples have stopped having sex, even though both partners want sex. The barrier to sex isn’t physical, it’s that one or both partners are too embarrassed to admit to their partner that things have changed, and they can’t perform the way they used to. Instead of talking about it, they’ll just say “I don’t want to” or “I can’t”. Because a deeper and more intimate conversation is too scary.

When you’re younger, sex is all about intercourse. Everything else is just foreplay. But, as we age, traditional intercourse may no longer be an option. Many post-menopausal women experience painful intercourse that can’t be solved, no matter how much lube they use. And many older men have trouble maintaining an erection (even with medication). It’s the same thing for orgasms. When you’re younger, good sex means everybody has an orgasm. That may not be the case for older men and women. Many older men and women have trouble reaching orgasm.

So while sex for older couples is different, that doesn’t mean it can’t be good sex. I don’t know if I believe these claims that sex after 60 is better than sex in your 20’s, but I do know that older couples can have an active, meaningful, and satisfying sex life. But it requires that you open your mind, let go of your prejudices, and share your feelings with your partner.

Moving from sexual intercourse to sexual intimacy

So, what does “sex” mean if intercourse can’t happen and orgasms aren’t a sure thing? This is the core question that every older couple must do their best to address openly, honestly, and lovingly. A discussion in which each person must find compassion for themselves, and their body, as well as for their partner. Touch and intimacy are at the core of sex for seniors. And that’s how it should be because touch and intimacy should be at the core of sex for everyone. Not just seniors

Some couples may move from defining sex as sexual intercourse to sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy is physical intimacy that may, or may not, include intercourse or orgasms. Holding, stroking, touching, kissing, and loving, are at the core of sexual closeness and sexual intimacy. These are the elements that the relationship can’t live without. This closeness actually generates a hormonal response called Oxytocin that changes brain chemistry and makes us feel happier and more content.

Physical intimacy is vital to our individual health and the health of a relationship. It is a meaningful, intimate, and deeply satisfying experience whether either partner has an orgasm or not. We all love orgasms, but as human beings, we crave closeness.

The courage to adapt and accept

But adapting our sex life to be in sync with our older bodies requires courage. The courage to change and the courage to be open, honest, and vulnerable with our partner. We have to open our minds and get away from the idea that if it’s not traditional intercourse then it’s not really sex. That path only leads to dissatisfaction and loneliness.

This evolution of sexuality is not really a glass-half-full or half-empty issue, it’s accepting that it’s a different kind of glass. And this new glass is full and wonderful. It’s true that we may feel sadness or grief over the loss of what our sex lives used to be like. But we can’t let that loss get in the way of being open to a new sexual life that is different, but equally important, vibrant, and satisfying.

About Me

I’m a Couples Therapist in San Francisco. I focus on helping couples feel closer, more connected, and more loving. To learn more about my practice, please visit my website.

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